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Billy, That was work of literary genius. Bravo! What is it you guys drink down under? Or is it smoke? Put a bit in the mail, will you? This was *almost* as good as your commercial realities rant. What of the ending to this harrowing tale of isolation and depravity? The suspense (snicker) is killing me. Oh, wait........, no......, that's coffee. I am going to have to install one of those p valves, I am missing out on a lot of fun. To think such a simple device would stir such creative endeavors...... Scott ----- Original Message ----- From: <bdi@bd*.co*.au*> To: "Steve Hogan" <Steve.Hogan@tr*.co*>; <cmilz@mi*.ed*>; "Steve Hogan" <Steve.Hogan@tr*.co*> Cc: <techdiver@aquanaut.com> Sent: Monday, January 31, 2000 11:25 PM Subject: RE: Catheters was: stadiumpal > At 11:38 1/02/00 , Steve Hogan wrote: > >Claudia, > > > >Never had this problem myself. I had the other problem of trying on a size > >(first time) that was too small. My wife laughed her ass off. I failed to > >see the humor the same way she did as it HURT! I got the next larger size > >and that fixed > >the problem. Not like a condom at all (the glue really makes it different) > > > >Regards > > > >Steve > > > > Not like the problem I had. I was trying on one that I though > should have fit (it was a medium) and it was too big. Far too > big. Where do these things come from? the land of the giants > or somewhere? This thing was so big, in fact, that I lost my > balance and fell right in! > > I braced myself for a terrific crash and some bad grazing > as I hit the walls but the glue on the inside of the latex > bag caught my clothing and stuck me there, trapped halfway > twixt lip and tip, like a fly on flypaper. Apart from the > tightness of my underpants which seemed to have assumed the > role of some kind of punishment harness in some torturous > sado-masochistic game, the experience was a lot less jarring > than if I'd fallen in to an empty grain silo onto my head > or something. > > Well there I was, trapped stickily inside this tough latex > sheath and do you think I could free myself to reach the lip > & haul myself out? No way! > > For some reason I was wearing a day pack when I fell which > just happened to contain a couple of bottles of soda, a flask of > coffee, some glucose tablets, some salt tabs, three hi-energy > chocolate bars and a big bag of nuts, so I knew my diet was > going to be totally fucked unless I got out of there. > > The pack also contained a TDI Trimix instroketor manual so > if I had to wait longer than two and a half minutes for rescue, > I'd be fucked for reading material too. > > All this bother, I thought, over a fucking uri-dom. Next > time I'll just piss in my pants in the car on the way to the > dive site like the long-term deep air heroes with their > 'bone leisions of bravery' do, and then I won't have to worry > about these ridiculous condom catheter dramas. > > My predicament brought back memories of a previous incident > where I slipped and fell heavily while pulling on a shoulder > entry drysuit, plunging in through the zip and sliding all the > way down into the left boot, sustaining some pretty nasty > friction burns on the way (safety note: always use LOTS of talc > when putting on your drysuit). It took me three and a half > days to hike back out of that little pickle. I could have made > it in two but I took a wrong turn in the darkness, missed the > zipper entry, and ended up transitting the right arm and exiting > through the wrist seal, exhausted but alive! > > I don't know about you, but when faced with a dire emergency > such as this, I believe it is important to have a PLAN. Without > a plan, a man (and I don't mean 'man' in a sexist way, I just > doubt a woman would find herself in the particular predicament > of falling arse over tip into a condom catheter a zillion sizes > too big) as I was saying, without a plan, a man tends to exist > but a hair's-breadth from emotional breakdown and blubbering > hysteria. But WITH a plan a man has support, a foundation, some- > thing big and solid to cling to - like the mast of a sinking > ship - while you watch your life turn to shit and you die > screaming. > > SO I figured that before I broke into frenzied activity, I > would hang there stuck to the inside wall of that too big > condom, doi some deep breathing excercises, eat a chocolate > bar and work out a PLAN. > > The first plan was duly thought out. It comprised the idea > to hang here and consume another chocolate bar and see if > a better plan presented itself. > > No luck. > > Thre chocolate bars a bag of nuts two bottles of soda and a > thermos flask of coffee later, still no better plan. The back > of my underpants were now pressing uncomfortably right up > into the crack of my arse and the first beads of the sweat > of panic moistened my forehead. I also had all these little > bits of nuts stuck between my teeth. I hated that most of > all. > > Fuck this, I thought. I wish Jeffrey Swann was here. He could > cheer us up with a few condom jokes. He likes condom jokes. He > even wrote to the techdiver list to tell everybody how much > he liked them. It takes all sorts, I suppose. > > It was just as I was speculating on the size of the brain of > the Darwinian Swann that I began to feel the beginnings > of a certain tension in the bladder as when half a gallon of > soda, urged on by a big hit off caffein, decides to make its > initial run through the nether regions before bursting out > into the open in a paroxysm of relief before describing a > graceful golden arc into the white porcelain throat of the > septic goddess Vitreous. > > The thought started as a mere flicker. A rubbing together > of no more than two or three brain cells in some obscure back > water of the cerebellum. But before two minutes had passed, > the thought of urinating had taken hold of my mind and > inhabited every nook and crany of my being. > > I wanted to be free. I wanted to get out of there. I wanted > to be unglued from the wall of the condom catheter. I wanted > a million dollars and a mansion with big pillars at the > front in Florida, I wanted love, good health, peace on earth > and good will to all men (and women). I wanted an end to world > poverty, divine grace and life ever after. But more than all of > that, I WANTED TO PISS!!! > > I began to sob quietly. > > ----------------------------------author's note----------------- > Guys, I have to go away on a shoot for a couple of days. > If you like, I'll tell you the rest of this tragic and frightening > story when I get back. The ending will shock you. The thought of > it is terrifying me right now. > > > rgrds billyw > > > > > -----Original Message----- > > > From: Claudia Milz [mailto:cmilz@mi*.ed*] > > > Sent: Monday, January 31, 2000 8:29 AM > > > To: Steve Hogan > > > Cc: Tech list > > > Subject: RE: Catheters was: stadiumpal > > > > > > > > > Steve, > > > > > > > Trying to use a large one when one is not causes lots of leaks that > > > > the glue cannot overcome > > > <snip> (sorry about that ...;-) > > > Then you'd you end up having two problems: an ego problem AND a > > > processed Gatorade in your drysuit. That must suck. > > > > > > Claudia > > > > > > >-- > >Send mail for the `techdiver' mailing list to `techdiver@aquanaut.com'. > >Send subscribe/unsubscribe requests to `techdiver-request@aquanaut.com'. > > -- > Send mail for the `techdiver' mailing list to `techdiver@aquanaut.com'. > Send subscribe/unsubscribe requests to `techdiver-request@aquanaut.com'. -- Send mail for the `techdiver' mailing list to `techdiver@aquanaut.com'. Send subscribe/unsubscribe requests to `techdiver-request@aquanaut.com'.
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