My brother sent this over to me, and I could think of no more appropriate
place to put it than on this list.  It is not my purpose here to generate a
discussion over how "strokish" it is to use warm water in your wetsuit or to
analyze this poor wretch's decompression program.  It is simply here to add
a little mirth to your day:


	> Next time you think you have had a bad day, think about this guy...
> Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of
> Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
> Below is an email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and
> won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one).
>
> Anyway...anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office,
> remember this guy.
>
> April 1998
>
>
>   Hi Sue,
> Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a
> bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
> so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's
> not so bad after all.
>
> Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
> few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom
> of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of
> year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We
> have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
> shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp.
> It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped
> to the air hose.
>
> Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times
> with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
> working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This
> floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
> Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.
> of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
> seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
> the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot
> water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This
> is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
>
> Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so
> the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as
> fortunate.  When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
> grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
>
> I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
> instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other
> divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I
> was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
> 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry
> decompression.  I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass
> helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the
> medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of
> cream and told me to shove it" up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The
> cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my
> asshole was swollen shut.
>
> I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the
> suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the
> next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how
> much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your
> ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope
> this will make them more tolerable.
>
> Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
>
> Brian.
>



Ted Phelps

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