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With all of the discussions about diet recently I felt obliged to
share this. I can not take credit for it.
Ken
The Toddler Diet
Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that
1.you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet)
2.you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet)
3.you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently,
people tend to cheat on their diets, or
quit after 3 days, or
go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over
.. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you
have a gland problem?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have
noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and
distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is
inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before
embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor ...
otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a
glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner - A dry
stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer. Bedtime Snack -
Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink
half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch -
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten,
not smoked). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon Snack - Lick an
all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and
continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop
on the rug. Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be
thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat
with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub
in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put
it on the cushion of your best chair. Lunch - Three matches,
peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner - Dish of ice cream,
handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of
sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch
- Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it. Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and
chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
--
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