Mailing List Archive Mailing List Archive
Fellow Divers, An inside source of mine forwarded a copy of the NSS-CDS bank statements to me for my review and analysis. The list of debit card withdrawals (not deposits) went on for many pages and read like the rap sheet of a convicted fatso on a eating spree. I knew that I had observed this syndrome on several prior occasions and a quick look in my college psychopathology text confirmed my suspicions. Wayne Marshall was suffering from acute speleophreatic klepto-hyperphagia. A real mouthful to say the least. Most of these withdrawals range from $2.00 - $5.00 and occur at Circle K markets and Suwannee Swiftys. Coincidentally this is the price range of a "two piece snack" and a "12 piece family meal". From the looks of Wayne Marshall I would say that there were more of the 12 piece deals. Lest you be concerned that Wayne wasn�t getting a balanced diet there were multiple withdrawals for $15 on Sunday nights, corresponding to the Domino�s two large two topping pizza specials. We�re talking $20,000 - $25,000 worth of fried chicken and pizza; enough to fill a large "board room". As a matter of fact, there were several occasions where it appears that Wayne hosted several private, by invitation only to select members, beer, chicken and pizza fests following monthly BOD meetings. By his own admission he used these occasions to develop strategies for CDS sponsored "pork and beer" socials and a lot of time was spent in trying to figure out how to get these pesky WKPP and Hogarthians out of the CDS. I have to disagree with George Irvine on his suggestion that drug tests are required for some of the present and future Directors of the CDS. This would be like checking the occupants of a strip club for tattoos and body piercing jewelry and then acting surprised when they all tested positive. A simple HDL/LDL cholesterol test would be all that is necessary to "out" the problem members. A high score on this accurate test would indicate a possible lifetime propensity for rich and fatty foods and a probable history of petty theft and shoplifting of items such as bubble gum and candy bars. Several other criteria could be used to sharpen the selectivity of the evaluation. This simple list would go something as follows: 1.) Is the prospective member given to fits of endless pontification? 2.) Does the prospective member have a beard. 3.) Does the prospective member have a pendulous gut or a large wide rear end? 4.) Does the prospective member claim more than 10,000 lifetime dives? 5.) If the member is fat do they wear spandex stretch pants? 6.) Has the prospective member ever been employed at a convenience store? 7.) Has the prospective member graduated from an accredited elementary school? 8.) Has the prospective member been arrested for shoplifting more than 4 times in one month? 9.) Is the prospective member known to frequent Chuck-E-Cheese franchises on weekends? 10.) Has the prospective member been fired from a government job more than twice? If you can answer no to at least 70% of these simple screening questions and score less than 130 on the HDL test you should submit your application for a board seat. Sincerely yours, Bob Major _____________________________________________________________________ Sent by RocketMail. Get your free e-mail at http://www.rocketmail.com -- Send mail for the `techdiver' mailing list to `techdiver@aquanaut.com'. Send list subscription requests to `techdiver-request@aquanaut.com'.
Navigate by Author:
[Previous]
[Next]
[Author Search Index]
Navigate by Subject:
[Previous]
[Next]
[Subject Search Index]
[Send Reply] [Send Message with New Topic]
[Search Selection] [Mailing List Home] [Home]