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The diagnosis so far: Brett Gilliam...........Padded Room Loonie Tunes Paranoid Fred Garth..............Borderline Schizo (chemically treatable) Chris Brown.............Straitjacket w/drool bib (lobotomy ineffectual) Monte Lee Thornton......Halfway house You guys need to quit posting on these lists. You're beginning to scare the general population. Jim At 10:49 PM 10/31/97 +0000, Brown, Christopher wrote: > >Never have I gotten so many laffs as I did from the recent unctuous umbrage > >and spates of spittle concerning the sophisticated sensibilities of our > >fellow list-readers -- and all the bleating about their ever-so-high > >personal ethical standards regarding the role of journalism in today's > >society. > > > >I was still chuckling to myself as I slipped on my Winnie-the-Pooh bedroom > >slippers and shuffled up Scarp and out to the mailbox, to see what my Rural > >Route Carrier and Gun Club Member had brought me today. > > > >There among the Christmas catalogs and soft headed money solicitations I > >found a few new periodicals which I, with free will and an open mind, have > >purchased, and a few others which I have not, but show up from time to time > >anyway. > > > >I was flipping thru the new issue of JFK Jr.'s magazine "George" (ironic, > >huh?) and, lo and behold, what do I find but an article about the Worst and > >Best-Dressed in DC! No kidding! Suddenly I am in-sensed! How dare these > >"journalists" criticize the attire of the leadership in our nation's > >capital? I couldn't believe it! What gives these magazine guys the right to > >use their magazine to write their opinions about the way our country's > >policy-makers shop for threads? So mad was I that I quickly changed into my > >pointy-toed, bond-trader's alligator skin Gucci flip-flops (with tassle) > >and hit the floor looking for a cat to kick -- but she got away, lucky her. > > > > > >Disgusted, I continued sifting the pile and pulled out the "Congressional > >Quarterly", confidant that at least here I'd find some probing, perceptive, > >political points to ponder -- that I agree with. And guess what? Only > >*half* of what I read was palatable! That's right! And here I am *paying* > >for the damned thing on my 10W-40 form -- yet have to read drivel not of my > >own making! Some of those people up there in Warshingtun just don't see > >things *correctly* -- the way I do! Was I ever pissed! I immediately > >realized that at least half the people in our government keep trying to > >change it -- and ought to be shipped to some other country if they don't > >like it here. By the non-union, non-striking, multi-national overseas > >carrier of their choice! I wasn't about to examine ideas that I don't > >already agree with! What, do they take me for a fool? So I put this putrid > >publication next to the commode where I could get some use out of it later, > >while voting with my heart. > > > >Next I discovered the new issue of "Real Goods", and along with blurbs > >about solar-powered wrist watches, it was chock full of bits about > >phosphate-free douches, hemp kitty litter, adobe out-houses, recycled > >bidets, and environmentally friendly wart eradicators. What's *that* got to > >do with *saving energy*? There was NOT ONE PARAGRAPH TOUTING THE BENEFITS > >OF FOSSIL FUELS! How biased and myopic can you get? What about fair play? > >What about the other side of the coin of the realm? These publishers ought > >to be tarred and feathered! And sued!! I threw the damned thing underneath > >the oil pan of my 1968 Opel where it could do some good, sopping up the > >leaking lifeblood of our country. > > > >With a brow deeply furrowed I sought some solace from the world's problems, > >and decided to stroll the fields outside. For some perspective, I figured > >it might be useful to walk a mile in another pair of shoes, so I slipped > >into my tractor-soled boots, dug up my copy of International Harvester's > >"Plow, Plant, and Pluck" and went for a walk on the lower forty. As I > >strolled the fence line and leafed the pages, looking for a seed of an > >idea, it hit me like a ton of alfalfa. All the photos showed IH machines!! > >There wasn't a single thing in there about Caterpillar or John Deere. The > >experience was harrowing, to say the least. I was getting a slant towards > >nothing but row after row of the publisher's OWN PRODUCTS! Yes, you read it > >here! Is that *fair*, I ask you? In shock I said to myself "Well, I'll reap > >what they sow!" And, planting both feet firmly, tossed the damned thing in > >the compost pile. > > > >By this time I was back at the bunkhouse, so absorbed that I forgot to > >change my shoes and, needing a good dose of liberal-chic, left-wing > >lip-service couched in big words, I grabbed the latest "New Yorker" from > >the mail pile, eagerly anticipating elegant linquistic limning about art, > >movies, literature, style, politics, sociology, science, business, and all > >kinds of surprisingly weird stuff. Say, what is this magazine supposed to > >be "about" anyway? One writer quoted the Immortal Bard *out of context*!! > >Outrage! Unleash the lawyers! If you're going to use the guy's words, print > >the whole play -- or you'll sorely strain the quality of my mercy, if you > >know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do! (For the software types, that > >last reference was from "The Merchant of Venus", a very funny yarn about a > >cross-dressing, femi-nazi attorney and a debit card; originally produced > >down in SoHo by Larry Flint). And on another page there was an ad for a > >book of poems (yuck!) by one of the magazines' own writers! Impure! > >Mercenary! Unbelievably unethical! Next to that was a condemning review of > >a blast-and-blood babe flick that I liked. How *dare* they? If they didn't > >like "Squibs In Heat", they didn't have to go see it! What gives some > >Village Vamp the right to say "It sucked, thematically speaking" when I > >knew that millions of dollars had been spent, not on content admittedly, > >but to make millions more? What better "theme" is there? Justice, where is > >thy thing? > > > >At this point, only some tunes would calm me down so I exchanged one set > >of Pooh-Pieds for another and reached for one of my fave pre-dive CDs. > >What's the world of publishing coming to, I mused. Here were magazines > >slanted, tainted, opinionated, personality-poisoned, politically polarized, > >aggressively commercial, one-sided and not-too-balanced, and mired in the > >human condition. > > > >How did it get this way -- or was it always this way? Why doesn't > >publishing on paper have the same purity and serene integrity as the > >internet and its ever-so-highly principled denizens? > > > >I might never sort all this out -- there's nobody to tell me what I should > >think. > > > >And there's still another question about "The Truth" that's nagging me: the > >wild rumor going around, started who-knows-where, that the entire Fear and > >Loathing piece was ghost-written by george himself -- to attract even more > >attention to himself -- and done in exchange for the resort-style > >instructor certification that he wanted so badly -- and got -- not so long > >ago. > > > >As the virtual needle slipped and scanned along the cyber-grooves of the > >silvered disc and the voices of Marley and the Wailers pulsed into the > >room, I received at least a partial answer. > > > >'Tis Bobby-lon, mon. > > > > > > > > > > > >Christopher A. Brown > >The Technical Diving Video Library deepedge.com/TechVid > >Phone (US & Can.):606-272-0255; Fax:606-272-7279 > > > >Life is short -- this is not a rehearsal. -- Send mail for the `techdiver' mailing list to `techdiver@aquanaut.com'. Send subscribe/unsubscribe requests to `techdiver-request@aquanaut.com'.
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