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You bet I smoke in bed without an ashtray. I have done it thousands of
times. And I don't want a bunch of safety-first weenies telling me I
shouldn't do it. I've given my smoking/sleeping practices a lot of thought,
and there are plenty of good reasons why I continue to risk nodding off in
my highly-combustible futon with a burning Marlboro between my fingertips.

1. I can't reach the ash tray.

2. I refuse to pay the exorbitant 300 p.c. markup on ash trays.

3. I have seen ash trays damaged in careless handling by cleaning ladies. 

4. Using an ash tray needlessly introduces extra points of failure. You
never can tell when an ash tray might suffer a catastrophic burst bowl, or
something. (Sure, I realize that there's about as much chance of this
happening as there is of Generalissimo Francisco Franco rising from the
dead and doing the macarena at the Inaugural Ball. But why take the
risk--keep it simple). 

5. Ash trays were developed for highly specialized applications, and they
aren't necessarily suitable to other environments. If you want to bet your
life on unproven technologies, be my guest--just don't expect me to do it
with you.

6. I've been smoking in bed without an ash tray for the last twenty years,
and I'm still around. How dangerous can it be?

7. An advanced smoker-sleeper can always manage the so-called "task
loading" associated with smoking in bed without an ash tray. I regularly
monitor the length of the ash column at the end of my Marlboro and never
allow myself to get drowsy until it has burned itself out. If you can't
handle a simple thing like that while under the influence of eight ounces
of Southern Comfort, then you are clearly unqualified to smoke. Or sleep,
for that matter.

8. In some cases, smoking in bed without an ash tray is actually safer than
any other method. Imagine this scenario: The ninth shot of Southern Comfort
proves too much for you, and you fall asleep with a lit cigarette in your
hand. In another room, some clearly unqualified smoker-sleeper has started
a huge blaze that threatens to burn down the whole block. Meanwhile, the
Mormon Tabernacle Choir is giving a surprise benefit concert outside your
bedroom window. They are so damn loud, they drown out the sound of the fire
alarm. You blissfully snooze as the conflagration approaches. Looks like
you're toast, pal...but just at that instant, the Marlboro burns down to
your fingertips. You awaken with a yelp, and realize that you're about to
be consumed by the inferno. You break the window, and leap to safety: lucky
for you. But all the pain-in-the-ass weenies who refuse to smoke in bed
without an ash tray are now Crispy Critters (gee what a shame). See what I
mean?

9. Nicoderm patch? Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

10. It's a matter of personal preference. We all have different approaches
to smoking and sleeping. This is something that the intolerant conformists
of the Do It Right crowd fail to recognize. (If they had their way, NOBODY
would smoke in bed without an ash tray--and wouldn't life be boring then?)
I'm not saying that smoking in bed without an ash tray is actually safer
than doing it any other way, but it's what I like to do, and it works for me. 

Well, that's it. Go ahead and flame me: I'm used to it, believe me. 

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