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My Latest Dive with McKenney
So there I am, relaxing on the grounds of my estate, drinking a pina
colada, and watching my friend McKenney digging a 30 x 60 x 25 deep hole
in the ground for my new dive pool. Sure, I could have hired some
contractors to come in with back hoes, but I like to save money where I
can, and McKenney is still working off that gambling debt. Since the
temperature had climbed to 102 degrees, and he was shoveling dirt with a
small hand trowel that the old gardener, Jose, had left behind when I fired
him, he was sweating profusely.
McKenney I cried, why don t you take a five minute break, and drink some
water from the garden hose? He made a face, and uttered some remarks that
I couldn t understand.
Poor devil. It was so hot, and I was interrupting his work. And get me
some ice for my drink while you re at it I said. To this, he began to
swear under his breath. I smiled, since I knew my friend well, and he is
most dedicated to the task at hand. I had angered him, by stopping him
from finishing the hole that he so dilligently dug.
When he returned, and threw the ice in my glass, I ignored the dirt that
had moved from his hand, to the ice, to finally, my drink, and decided then
and there that I should make it up to him for keeping him from his chores.
How about a dive? I said. At first, he looked forlorn. I wondered
secretly if he hadn t enjoyed our previous outings. But as he stared
blankly at me, a small smile began to cross his face, which then spread
into a broad grin. Before he spoke, he was positively laughing out loud.
A Dive?? A Fucking Dive??? Have I got a DIVE for you!! he yelled with
tremendous relish. This pleased me no end, since I like to see my friends
happy.
Where shall we go? I asked, enthusiasm building within me by the moment.
Hawaii, dude. Bottom of a god damned reef in Hawaii. That s where you
belong he said while smiling and darting his eyes quickly back and forth
in thought.
Wonderful I said. We ll go tomorrow!
I had recently ordered the tape Doing it Right by Mr. George Irvine III
so I knew the kind of set-up I wanted. Have you seen Doing it Right II ?
he said. No. I didn t know he did a sequel I replied.
Well, George realized what a mistake he had made in the first one, so he
did it over again. He s a pal of mine, so I ll set you up just like him
my friend said.
I was simply overjoyed at the idea of using the same techniques as the
famed WKPP divers of Florida, even though Mr. Irvine was still a bit
ungrateful that I had cleaned up Wakulla on my last dive by removing all
those pesky lines and arrows, but since one must accept the eccentricities
of greatness, I decided not to hold a grudge. Besides, he still sends me
post cards with the tech diver "how are you?" symbols of "SMD! SMD!!!"
written all over them...
McKenney departed for about two hours. When he returned, he had several
large K bottles marked Argon, Hydrogen, and Oxygen . He began to build
my rig immediately. He had assembeled a set of triples, using one Argon
bottle, one Hydrogen bottle, and one Oxygen bottle, and attached it to a
Transformer pac, which I had never seen before. It had lots and lots of
D rings, however, and looked quite technical. He had also purchased a
large game bag for holding the 60 lbs. of lead that he said I would need
for just the right buoyancy .
I was set, and we were off.
Upon arrival in Hawaii, I was surprised to see our old friend, Rod Farb
waiting for us at the airport. When I inquired as to why he decided to
join us, McKenney interrupted his response to say we both want to see that
you re taken care of, completely... They both smiled at this, which made
me feel wonderful to have such good friends to look out for me.
On the day of the dive, I thought we were going to go out on a dive charter
boat, but my friends had decided to pick up a used Zodiac for our trip.
The place we re taking you to is secret, dude, Farb said. Yeah, we don t
want no witnesses - I mean, other divers learning about our spot McKenney
interjected. Farb gave McKenney an unpleasant look, which I took to mean
that maybe he wasn t too happy in sharing this special spot with others.
Don t worry, boys. I ll keep this place secret to my grave I said. This
seemed to make them both very happy, and they chuckled as they looked at
me.
Once we were at the dive site, we noticed another boat in the horizon,
which worried us all. Not wanting to give away this secret spot, we
decided that I would drop in the water with all my gear, while Farb and
McKenney pretended to fish.
Once I had manuvered the gear on my back, my friend McKenney lifted a
Haskell pump and attached it to my D rings.
This is the latest in tech-diving, dude." he said. "You make your bottom
mix while you are on the bottom so all the gas is properly blended.
Well , I thought, Too bad Skin Diver magazine isn t doing an article
on this. Since it s Mr. Irvine s favorite magazine, I m sure he would read
all about my dive using his new techniques.
Both McKenney and Farb were looking at me with smiles on their faces.
Time for you to go, dude McKenney said. And with that, he motioned to
Farb who then pushed me over the side, while both of them gave me the
tech-diver "Good Luck" sign by placing their left hands on their biceps,
while raising their right fists in a jerking motion.
As I hit the water, I began to sink rapidly. Unfortunately, in our haste
to get me rigged up, it seems as thought my friend forgot to connect my
b.c. inflator. As I dropped like a stone, I could still see them on the
boat giving each other a high-five.
Can you imagine the pride I felt at that moment, knowing that I had such
dear friends who could rejoice in my learning experiences? I wanted to
tell them, but since I wasn t able to communicate with them, I set myself
to try and get my buoyancy straight.
But as I passed the 375 foot mark, I noticed something large swimming below
me. It then disappeared. I was beginning to get concerned that I should
try and control my rate of descent when suddenly, the bottom of my tripple
tanks struck something with a bang! Meanwhile, I felt something soft
beneath me, since I had stopped in a sitting position.
When I looked down, I saw a man wearing a Cis Lunar Mark IV rebreather. I
knew immediately that there was only one person in the world who dove to
these depths with that kind of rebreather - the legendary Richard Pyle.
"That must be his boat we saw over the site" I thought.
I wanted to say hello to Mr. Pyle, but it seemed that I had punctured the
bottom of one of my tanks - the Hydrogen one. A spark from striking the
rock must have ignited the gas, because I started to ascend with incredible
speed.
My last view of Mr. Pyle was of him sinking rapidly with lots of bubbles
coming out of his center section. If I hadn t been forcefully rocketing to
the surface, I would have suggested to him that he use a BioMarine unit in
the future - those Cis Lunars seem to eminate tons of bubbles from every
orifice.
As he sank rapidly, he looked up at me and gave me the techdiver are you
o.k? sign with both middle fingers raised. I am constantly struck by how
concerned my fellow tech divers are of each other. What a joyous bunch of
fellows to make up this brotherhood...
Unfortunately, I was unable to respond in kind, since he was sinking as
fast as I was rising. I was moving with such incredible speed, that all I
saw was blue streaks in front of me.
Once I reached the surface, the only sight I saw was the surprised look on
my friends McKenney and Farb s faces as I passed through the very center of
the Zodiac. I must have attained an altitude of about 2000 feet before I
landed in the water, just off shore of a resort that I had purchased a
month before from the proceeds of selling McKenney s library, which he had
lost to me during a poker game in Fiji.
As I swam to the shore, my employees rushed out to help me with my
cumbersome gear. Out in the distance, I could see the Zodiac sinking, and
my friends begin a fun swim to the shore. They even stopped to play with
some Orca s that were feeding on spinner dolphins. I could tell that they
were both having fun as the killer whales tossed them back and forth
through the air like bean-bag dolls - they were both screaming and waving
their arms frantically at me with joy. They were having so much fun, I
decided to leave them with their new-found friends of the deep.
We haven t heard much from them, or Mr. Pyle in quite a while... I hope
they don't stay in the water too long, they could get all wrinkly...
Once onshore, I noticed that one of my tanks had caught one of Mr. Pyles
nets, which contained a previously undocumented beautiful fish. I named
this fish the Kevin-Pyles-McKenney & Farb fish. Turns out, its skin
releases a substance that cures most human diseases. I m set to receive
the Nobel Prize in a few months, and have licenced the substance to the
Burroughs/Wellcome Pharmaceutical company, under the direction of Peter
Hezeltine for $1.6 billion in cash and stock.
Diving with my friend McKenney is so much fun. He has taught me a lot
about diving, as well as my other good friend, Farb. I can t wait to use
my new found skills on my next dive with Mr. Irvine...
Kevin
HeyyDude.
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