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Some humor for a monday morning... >The '99 Darwin candidates are in: > > > Yes, it is the Finalists of the 1999 Darwin Awards. For >those sheltered few of you who > are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards >are given annually (and > posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for >the human gene pool by > removing themselves from it. > > GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead >yesterday after he tried to > use 'occy' straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks >on each end) to bungee jump off > a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County >police said Eric A. Barcia, a > fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps >together, wrapped an end around one > foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake >Accotink Park, jumped... and hit > the pavement. > > Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said >investigators think Barcia was alone > because his car was found nearby. "The length of the >cord that he had assembled was > greater than the distance between the trestle and the >ground," Carmichael said. Police > say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An >autopsy is scheduled for later > in the week. > > LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY Three young men in >Oklahoma were enjoying the > upcoming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to >apparently test fire some fireworks. > Their only real problem was that their launch pad and >seating arrangements were atop > a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation >storage tank. Oddly enough, some > fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for >miles. They were launched several > hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards >from their respective seats. > > DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT A lawyer >and two buddies were > fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning storm >hit the lake. Most of the other > boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our >friend the lawyer. On the rear of > his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this >individual stood up, spread his arms wide > (crucifixion style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET >ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, > God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat >survived the lightning strike with > minor burns. > > CATCH!! A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. >Big deal you may say, but > there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It >seems he and a friend were playing > catch with a rattlesnake. You can guess what happened >from here. The friend (a > future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized. > > THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU Not much was given >to me on this unlucky > fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there >was a gentleman from Korea who > was killed by his cell phone... more or less. He was >doing the usual "walking and > talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to >somehow break his neck. Keep > that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial >at the same time. > > GIMME A LIGHT! In a west Texas town, employees in a >medium-sized warehouse > noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management >evacuated the building, extinguishing > all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. >After the building had been > evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were >dispatched. > > Upon entering the building, they found they had >difficulty navigating in the dark. To > their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses >later described the vision of one > of the technicians reaching into his pocket and >retrieving an object that resembled a > lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the >gas in the warehouse exploded > sending pieces of it up to three miles away. > > Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter >was virtually untouched by the > explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing >the explosion had never been > thought of as "bright" by his peers. > > RUNNER UPS.. KRAZY-GLUE RHINO Although he didn't kick >the bucket (hence > runner-up), the following story receives an Honorable >Mention. > > A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a >difficult position yesterday. While > touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a >group of thespians from St. > Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show >them one of America's many > marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy >Glue"... the hard way. > > Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how >good the adhesive was, so > he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of >his hands, and jokingly placed > them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino was >not initially startled as it has > been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a >baby. However, once it became > aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, >it began to panic and ran wildly > around the petting area making Mr. Demuth an unintended >passenger. > > "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She >had been very constipated. We > had just given her a laxative and some depressants to >relax her bowels, when > Mr.Demuth played his juvenile prank. During Sally's >rampage, two fences were > destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small >animals escaped. Also, during > the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were >stomped to death. > > As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo >caretakers to remove his hands from > her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and >calmed down. However, during > this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. >Demuth was repeatedly > showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. > > "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the >same time shield our faces from > being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say >that Mr. Demuth was into it up to > his neck. Once she was under control, we had three >people with shovels working to > keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able >to tranquilize her and apply a > solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said >Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing > with Crazy Glue for a while." > > Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also >were impressed with the power > of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my >children, but of course they can't take > it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of >the troupe. > > CLEANER POLISHES OFF PATIENTS Even though the cleaning >lady in this story didn't > die (another runner-up since she doesn't qualify), she >greatly aided several in > hastening their trip to see the Almighty... > > "For several months, our nurses have been baffled to >find a patient dead in the same > bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for the >Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South > Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause >for any of the deaths, and > extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a >search for possible bacterial infection, > failed to reveal any clues." > > However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause >of these deaths... "It seems > that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter >the ward, remove the plug that > powered the patient's life support system, plug her >floor polisher into the vacant > socket, then go about her business. When she had >finished her chores, she would plug > the life support machine back in and leave, unaware >that the patient was now dead. > She could not, after all, hear the death rattle and the >eventual solid beep over the > whirring of her polisher". > > "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the >cleaner in question. Further, the > Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging >for an electrician to fit an extra > socket, so there should be no repetition of this >incident. The inquiry is now closed." > (Cape Times). >
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